Shinra, the one with the ball!
by koran chan
Summary: The Turks have fun at a ball!
1. Let's all go to the ball!

_Shinra, the one with the ball  
by Aerith & Missy   
[author's note: Nope, we don't own Final Fantasy vii.]_  
  
Reno: Fine fatass lets pick out of a hat to see who goes with Elena!!!!   
  
Tseng: FINE!!!! Fat ass.....? (Looks at his ass in the mirror - Hojo's voice is heard throughout the room)  
  
Hojo: Highly unlikely....   
  
(Reno runs off and then 5 minutes later he comes back with two shreds of paper, and a little sailor hat.)   
  
Reno: I already wrote our names, so all we have to do now is pick... let's get Elena to pick.   
  
(Reno runs off and gets Elena)   
  
Elena: Reno what the hell!!!!   
  
Reno: Pick out of the hat!!!   
  
Elena: Why?   
  
Reno: JUST DO IT!!!!!   
  
Rude: (Who just walked in) heh heh heh....Nike....   
  
_[author's note: Yes, wonderful Nike and all of their sweatshops...]_  
  
(Elena reaches into the queer little sailor hat and takes out a piece of paper and reads it to herself)  
  
Reno: WHAT DOES IT SAY?!?!   
  
Elena: What is this for?   
  
Rude: Yeah...whats going on?   
  
Tseng: Rufus is having a company ball... Reno and myself both want to go with Elena. So we decided the only way to solve this without beating the shit out of each other, is to have Elena pick one of our names out of a hat.   
  
Rude: Who's queer sailor hat is that anyway?   
  
Reno: uh... Elena what does it say?!?!   
  
Elena: I guess I'm going with you... Reno.   
  
Reno: YES!!!! YES!!!!! YES!!!!! HA, HA, HA!!!!! TSENG HAHAHA!!!! YOUR NOT GOING WITH ELENA!!!!!!   
  
Tseng: Jerk... The next time we're alone your gonna get you sorry ass kicked.   
  
Reno: (Gulp)   
  
**-- Rufus' office --**   
  
Scarlet: I was just looking at the list of people your inviting and I noticed your inviting Cloud and all his friends... why?   
  
Rufus: If we didn't invite them they would have just come and wreck things so this way we can be prepared.   
  
Scarlet: You invited Sephiroth too?   
  
Rufus: Yes.   
  
Scarlet: but he's dangerous...   
  
Rufus: I know. I have a plan though... as soon as he comes in the door we'll all start chanting, CHUG, CHUG, CHUG… And well, he'll chug until he's so drunk he doesn't know what's what.... Good plan huh?   
  
Scarlet: Uh... yes sir…   
  
**-- At Clouds villa --**   
  
Cloud: What the hell!!!!!!   
  
Cid: SHIT!!!!! What?   
  
Cloud: We're invited to the ShinRa company ball... It's gotta be a trap.   
  
Vincent: Do we need to dress up? Hey let me read that. )Cloud hands Vincent the invitation. Everyone sits on the floor in front of him. "Story-time" style) It says...   
  
You're invited to   
The first annual Shinra Company Ball!  
Please dress up cause we don't want you smelling up the ball room   
Thanks Much!   
-- Rufus Shinra  
  
Vincent: Well... we better go shopping...   
  
**-- Sephiroth's cave --**   
  
Sephy: (Looking through his mail) Bill, porn mag..... invitation to ShinRa ball... I better go get a tux!!!!!!!!   
  
**-- Rufus office --**  
  
Rufus: (Looking at himself in the mirror) Yeah I look great!!! (Someone comes in behind him)   
  
????: How do I look?   
  
Rufus: Uh.... you're coming to the ball?   
  
Hojo: Well of course.   
  
Rufus: (Sweat drop) Uh...uh.....yeah you...look..... (he looks at Hojo who is wearing what he usually does) Hey, aren't you dead?   
  
Hojo: I guess not...   
  
Rufus: I don't like you. Go away you freaky shit head!   
  
Hojo: Sniffles Okay....I guess I'm not loved here...   
  
Elena: (Who just walked in) You're not loved anywhere.   
  
(Hojo runs to his lab crying)   
  
**-- Wal Market- At a tuxedo and dress shop --**   
  
Sephy: Oh I like this one!!!!   
  
Cloud: Sephiroth what the hell are you doing here?   
  
Sephy: Buying a tux.   
  
Cloud: ME TOO!! Lets get matching ones!!!!   
  
Sephy: Yeah!!! (Cloud and Sephiroth run off)  
  
Vincent: Oh I like this one!!!! (He picks up a suit that is just like a Turk suit) I'm going to try it on!!!   
  
Cid: Oh isn't this a fun experience... I'm about to burst with joy.   
  
Barret: Yeah, me too!!!!   
  
Cid: I was being sarcastic... Oh this ones good and plan. (He holds up a plan black tux)   
  
Barret: Hey foo' lighten up. (Holds up a frilly pink suit) Just my size too....   
  
Cid: I'm not in the mood to be happy right now.   
  
Barret: Why the hell not foo'?   
  
Cid: Why the hell do you always say "foo"?   
  
Barret: Cuz I like to say foo'. You foo'.   
  
Cid: Well, no use trying to talk to you....   
  
Vincent: (Comes out with the Turk suit on) I look good.   
  
Cid: Yeah, not bad.   
  
Barret: Blue brings out the redness in your eyes.   
  
Vincent: Barret, my eyes are red.   
  
Barret: Oh. Silly me, I guess I never noticed before.   
  
Vincent: What's wrong with you Barret?   
  
Barret: I don't know somethin be wrong with me. I don't think I'm gonna go.   
  
Cid: YESSSSSSS!!!!   
  
Barret: When I feel better your gonna get your ass kicked.   
  
Cid: Sure.   
  
Barret: You want to make a bet butt-pipe?   
  
Cid: Not really last time I did that I lost all my money and, I got the shit kicked out of me... by Aeris.   
  
Vincent: Aeris beat the shit out of you?   
  
Cid: Yeah....   
  
Vincent: I didn't think Aeris was the kick ass bettin' kind of type.   
  
Cid: Guess again.   
  
**-- Turks lounge --**  
  
Rude: Hey! Give me your honest opinion, how do I look?   
  
Tseng: You look how you usually do.   
  
Rude: Is that good or bad?   
  
Tseng: Good I guess. I can't believe Rufus is still making us wear these suits to the ball.   
  
Rude: It's not fair that Elena is the only one that can wear something different today.   
  
Tseng: Hey, whom are you going with to the ball?   
  
Rude: Hee, hee... myself. I don't want to go I'd rather go to a bar and get drunk... But Rufus is making me go.   
  
Rufus: That's right! We're gonna have a camera crew and everything... So everything has to go good. All my employees have to be there too.   
  
Rude: Damn.   
  
(Elena comes in with a long blue silky dress on. The guy's jaws drop.)   
  
Tseng & Rufus: F- you Reno.   
  
Hojo: Oh my.   
  
Rude: Were the hell did you come from?   
  
Hojo: I don't know the author keeps on putting me in the story.   
  
Reeve: How come I'm not in the story.   
  
Rufus: 'Cause she hasn't gotten to your part yet.   
  
Reeve: Oh.   
  
Hojo: Can I go now I was in the middle of an experiment?   
  
(A demonic looking chocobo with two asses runs in and starting biting Hojo's neck. Hojo gets up after the chocobo runs off)   
  
Hojo: So much for the two assed vampire chocobo. (His neck starts spurting blood and bleeding badly)  
  
Rude: Maybe you should have a doctor look at that.   
  
Hojo: No, I'm o- (He collapses on the floor from blood loss)   
  
Tseng: Where's Reno?   
  
(They all look around)   
  
Elena: Huh.... I wonder were he went.   
  
Tseng: Who cares Elena, guess your coming with me to the ball.   
  
Elena: ……   
  
Rufus: Since everyone's ready we better go.   
  
Elena: What about Reno?   
  
Tseng: What about Reno?   
  
Elena: I just want to-   
  
Tseng: SHHHHHH! We gotta go!   
  
(As they're leaving the room they all step on Hojo. Hojo wakes up)   
  
Hojo: Where did everybody go? Am I dead?   
  
Palmer: NO!!!!! Everyone already left.   
  
Hojo: Oh silly me.   
  
Palmer: TRA, LA, LA LA, LA!!!! I'm hungry if I don't eat every 3 minutes I could die! (Palmer skips off)   
  
Hojo: Hmmmm (Takes out a notepad and starts jotting stuff down) Note to self: If Palmer doesn't eat every 3 minutes he could possibly die. Hee, hee, hee…   
  
**-- On the Highwind --**   
  
Vincent: Has anyone seen Cloud?   
  
Cid: Damn.   
  
Vincent: What was that for?   
  
Cid: I think we left Cloud at his Villa.   
  
Vincent: Oops... heh.   
  
Nanaki: Heh... this thing's going up my butt, it's slightly uncomfortable.   
  
Vincent: Looks at Nanaki with a child's' tux on...Yup.   
  
Tifa: Oh no! Look!! (points up to the sky)  
  
(Everyone looks up to the dark, starry sky, where Cloud is standing on Sephy's lap, and Seph is riding a unicycle.)   
  
Cloud: (Yelling... obviously) Hey!! Guys!! It's a circus act!!!   
  
Sephy: Look!! We even have matching tuxes!!   
  
Everyone: (sweat drop)   
  
Cloud: Good bye, my friend.   
  
Sephy: My greatest respects to you Cloud. (Cloud jumps into the Highwind)   
  
_[author's note: Yes we realize this has nothing to do with anything, and makes absolutely no sense. We wrote this loooong time ago!]_   
  
Cloud: Look!! Down there!! That's where the Ball is!!   
  
**-- In the Ball Room --**   
  
Rufus: I want you all to be on your best behaviors, if you aren't, you will die.   
  
Reno: He sounds serious.   
  
Elena: Oh, there you are.   
  
Tseng: Damn, Rude, let's go to the bar.   
  
Rude: Okay.   
  
**-- At the Bar --**  
  
Rude: Hey!! It's Sephy!!   
  
Sephy: Gimmie' something hard.   
  
Tseng: Sounds depressed.   
  
Sephy: I miss mommy.   
  
Tseng: Don't we all.   
  
Rude: Hey!!!! I printed this thing off the Internet, and so let's go to the bathroom!!   
  
Tseng: Wha?   
  
Rude: I printed this thing off of the Internet where there's things you can say pretending you're taking a dump...it's funny.   
  
Tseng: Let's go!!   
  
Sephy: Huh?... Explain this to me again.   
  
Rude: Just read this out loud in the bathroom. (He hands Tseng and Sephy two pieces of paper)  
  
**-- Meanwhile --**  
  
Rufus: When is that friggin camera crew going to get here.   
  
Scarlet: Sir!!!! The camera crew is here!!!   
  
Reporter: I prefer to be called a reporter.   
  
Rufus: Oh well.... Everyone's here so I guess you can start filming.   
  
Reporter: Ok just look straight ahead at your cue cards. Reno is holding them. Ok?   
  
Rufus: OK.   
  
Reporter: and 5,4,3,2,1. ACTION!!!!!   
  
Reporter: Hello and welcome to live coverage of the first annual ShinRa company ball. Oh, and here comes President Rufus now. Excuse me Mr. President, what is your reason for having this Ball in the first place?   
  
Rufus: (Reading off of cue cards) Hi... As... you... know, ...I am Pr-... esident ... uh ... Reno! YOU SPELLED MY NAME WRONG!!!   
  
Reno: Oops. Heh.   
  
Reporter: Crap .... let's take a commercial break......heh, here's a NEW commercial for none other than..... Rufus-O's!!   
  
_[author's note: Mmmm, Rufus-O's!!]_


	2. Uncle Sam pin?

_[author's note: again, I do not own Final Fantasy vii or any of the characters. Just good ideas. Haha, read... READ!!!]_

**-- Meanwhile --**  
  
Rude: Gee, there sure are a lot of stalls in here.   
  
Sephy: Probably just in case the food sucks.   
  
Tseng: Shhh! Someone's coming. Rude, get in a stall, Seph, put the tape in the camera.   
  
Rude: Okay! (Takes out his paper and gets in a stall)   
  
Sephy: Yup. (Puts a tape titled "Rude, Tseng, and Seph, all 'working' together. Heh" and gets into a different stall)  
  
Tseng: (Looks out the door) It's Palmer!!!! (Gets into another stall)  
  
Rude: Ready?   
  
Tseng & Sephy: YUP!!   
  
(Palmer waddles into the bathroom)  
  
Palmer: I knew I shouldn't have trusted Hojo's cooking before a Ball.   
  
Rude: (Covers his mouth) gulp!   
  
Palmer: OH!! There's others in here as well. I love having potty neighbors. (Goes into a stall)   
  
Tseng: (Grunts) Damn this water's cold.   
  
Rude: Kee, hee, hee.... Oh, I knew I shouldn't have put my lips on that.   
  
Sephy: How interesting, more floaters than sinkers.   
  
Palmer: Oops... missed.   
  
Tseng: Huh? (Looks to his right, where a massive watery pile of squirty poop is slowly making it's way towards his shoe)  
  
Sephy: (Sticks his head under Tseng stall) Ewww… Boy that sure looks like a maggot.   
  
Tseng: EGADS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!   
  
**-- Meanwhile --**  
  
Rufus: Well, I never thought they would actually show up.   
  
Cid: Cad fur the give?   
  
Rufus: No, not today.   
  
Cloud: I've gotta' shit... bye!!   
  
Rufus: Wait! I'll escort you.... I feel the same too. (They both go off to the bathroom)  
  
Tifa: What a drag   
  
Vincent: Yup, I know   
  
Aeris: Hi everyone!!   
  
Vincent: Aeris?   
  
Tifa: Wha'?   
  
Aeris: You got an invitation too? Yeah, I'm alive. Vincent, wanna dance?   
  
Vincent: YEAH!!   
  
Tifa: Then who will I dance with?   
  
Cid: I'll dance with you!!!   
  
Tifa: Errrr... well, I actually have to go.... to the bathroom.   
  
Cid: How about when you come back?   
  
Tifa: If I come back.   
  
Cid: OKAY!!   
  
Tifa: Aside; Damn.   
  
**-- Meanwhile --**  
  
Palmer: Tra, la, la!! (Leaves)  
  
Tseng: (Drops a marble) Oh shit!! I dropped my glass eye!!   
  
Sephy: Hows your shoe doing Tseng? (Peeks under stall again)  
  
Tseng: Wha? (Looks down at his shoe) OH SHIT!!   
  
Sephy: Hmm.. reminds me of mother.   
  
Tseng & Rude: (Cock heads)  
  
Rude: I'll go and see if anyone's coming... (Cloud and Rufus walk in before Rude can get out)   
  
Rufus: I'll have to give you a tour of the place sometime.   
  
Cloud: Yeah... but that's a different story plot.   
  
Rufus: I know, I am just leading up to it...   
  
Cloud: Heh... I've gotta poo.... may I get on with it now?   
  
Rufus: Sure.... wait, (Looking at the urinals on the wall) Why are there six sinks???   
  
Sephy: Kee, hee, hee.   
  
Tseng: Humus.... reminds me of humus.   
  
Rude: Damn, I knew that drain hole was a little too small.... now what am I gonna' do?   
  
Sephy: Come on Mr. Happy!! Don't fall asleep on me!   
  
Cloud: Rufus, are you okay?   
  
Rufus: (Grunting the words out) See.... I... can... still... talk!!   
  
Cloud: (Gets out and washes his hands) Phew.... that took a lot out of me.   
  
Rufus: I'm still not done! Wait for me! I always have bad experiences while I'm in the bathroom alone!   
  
Cloud: Like what?   
  
Rufus: I'd rather not talk about it now.   
  
Cloud: Oh, well I guess I can't help you out... BYE!! (Cloud leaves the bathroom to find Tifa standing by the bathroom door waiting for him) You didn't have to wait for me.   
  
Tifa: You took a long time (Hides her laughing)   
  
Cloud: It.... was Rufus, he wanted me to wait for him.   
  
Tifa: Sure.... do you wanna' dance?   
  
Cloud: Shrugs Okay. (They walk by Reno and Elena dancing)  
  
Elena: We have to stop now.   
  
Reno: Why? It's Tseng isn't it? I knew it all along   
  
Elena: I haveta' pee.   
  
Reno: Oh... oops.   
  
Elena: (Walks to the door entitled "Boys & Girls Bathroom") Wha? Boys AND girls? Rufus is so cheap.(Walks in)   
  
Sephy: Now how did that get there?   
  
Elena: Aside: Gross Ahem....   
  
Rufus: Good bye. (Leaves)   
  
Tseng: I heard clicky shoes... I think it's feminine.   
  
Rude: (In the stall next to Elena) oh...? (Lowers a small mirror down near Elena's stall) PEEK-A-BOO!!   
  
Elena: EGADS!! RUDE?!?!?!? WHAT THE HELL DO YOU THINK YOU'RE DOING?!?!?!   
  
Tseng: Elena?   
  
Elena: Tseng? Who else is in here?   
  
Sephy: (Whistles)   
  
Elena: SEPHIROTH?!?!?   
  
Sephy: NO!!   
  
Elena: Damn all of you.... I'm leaving. (Storms out of the bathroom- after washing her hands of course)   
  
**-- Meanwhile --**  
  
Reporter: Rufus, finally, I quit.   
  
Rufus: Wha?   
  
Reporter: Oh, by the way, I think there was something in the food.... I have to shit.   
  
Rufus: FINE!! LEAVE!! I NEVER GAVE A DAMN ABOUT YOU ANY WAY!!.....Is that camera still on?   
  
Reporter: Heh. (Smiles)   
  
**-- Meanwhile --**  
  
Tseng: Rude, go see if anyone's coming.   
  
Sephy: I don't want to do this any more.... we've run out of things to say, and it smells like Cloud's shit in here.   
  
Rude: DUCK AND COVER!! A REPORTER!!   
  
Tseng: Fun... heh.   
  
Reporter: Oh shit.... (Walks into a stall)   
  
Sephy: (Holds his hand out to the reporter in the stall next to him) May I barrow a highlighter?   
  
Reporter: it.... rea...lly... smells... bad... I... think.... I... have... to- (Pukes on Sephy's hand)   
  
Sephy: EEWE!! (Screams like a girl, runs out of the stall, washes his hands, and leaves)   
  
Tseng: Uh oh, I knew I shouldn't have put my lips on that....   
  
Reporter: GROSS!! YOU GUYS ARE SICK!! (Washes hands, and notices the camera in the high corner of a wall. Leaps up and steals the tape Heh... juicy.)  
  
Rude: Let's go Tseng; it's no fun without Seph around.   
  
Tseng: Yeah, lets go.   
  
(The two walk out and Tseng tracks shit everywhere from his shoe)  
  
Tseng: (Walks by Elena) Hi Elena... (Blows her a kiss) heh.   
  
Elena: (Noticing his shoe has poop on it) Uh.... ehhhhhh.... (Reno and her Tango off away from Tseng)   
  
Rude: (At the snackie table) Heh, Tseng, these cups say "Balls" on them....   
  
Tseng: Heh....   
  
(Rufus walks up to get some punch with Reno)   
  
Reno: BALLS!!!! HA, HA, HA, HA, HA, HA!!! Boy, you sure do have some guts Rufus!   
  
Rufus: Wha?   
  
Reno: The cups say "Balls" on them!   
  
Rufus: I meant like the kind of party   
  
Reno: There's Balls parties?   
  
Rufus: (Takes a dictionary out of his pocket) Ahem...."to dance, jump about, an enjoyable time or experience."   
  
Reno: Heh......balls   
  
Rufus: (Looks at his watch) Oh! It's time.   
  
Rude: Time for what?   
  
Rufus: (With a microphone) Ahem, everyone! Please get into two perpendicular lines, girls on one side, and boys on the other.   
  
Reno: What does "perpendicular" mean?   
  
Rufus: It's hard to explain...here, (takes out his dictionary again) Ahem... "upright; vertical; straight up and down"   
  
Reno: Oh, two lines.   
  
Rufus: Yes. Whoever is across from you is your partner for the contest for king and queen.   
  
Hojo: Which side should I be on?   
  
Rufus: I don't care!!!   
  
Hojo: Well then I'll just stay right here then. (On the ladies side)   
  
Vincent: EGADS!!!!! I'm across from Hojo!!!!!   
  
Yuffie: Sorry I'm late.   
  
Barret: (In the pink frilly tux) I'm feeling much better now. Hee hee. (Disco dances) I'm a dancing queeeeenn....   
  
Rufus: OK!!! Now sashea down the isle with your partner!!!   
  
Cid: Hey Tifa!!! Me and you are partners!!!   
  
Tifa: ...Yeah.....yay.....God help me.....please?   
  
Reno: Look Elena me and you are partners!!!   
  
Elena: No, me and Sephiroth are partners.   
  
Reno: Oh. Hey Rufus! Who are you partners with?   
  
Rufus: Scarlet.   
  
Reno: Heh, I'm partners with Aeris. (Blows Aeris a kiss)   
  
Rufus: I won't even comment.   
  
Aeris: Neither will I. (Whimpers at Cloud)   
  
**-- 20 minutes later. --**  
  
Rufus: And now....for the announcement for king and queen...I have the envelope in my hand, so will everyone do me a favor right now and get with your partner so you don't have to search for them if you turn out it be king and queen.   
  
(Everyone starts shuffling around)  
  
**-- 20 MORE minutes later --**  
  
Rufus: Okay...is everyone with their partner?   
  
Vincent: NO!!   
  
Rufus: Well, you don't have to Vinny...I'm positive you won't be king.....nothin' personal.   
  
Vincent: No problem.   
  
Rufus: And now......the king and queen are.......wha?   
  
Everyone: WHO?!?!   
  
Rufus: Sephiroth and Elena?   
  
Everyone: WHO?!?!   
  
(Sephy and Elena receive their crown)  
  
_[author's note: Yay! Sephy and Elena!!]_


	3. The touching conclusion

_[author's note: Isn't it great that Sephy and Elena got to be king and queen of the ball!? Excellent I say, simply brilliant.. Oh, heh, oh yeah. (ahem) I have nothing to do with Final Fantasy vii or any of their characters. I just write the fics, and you just get the visuals.]_

(The next evening at the Turks Lounge)  
  
Reno: Hey! Hard Copy's on!!   
  
Tseng: I love it when they're so dramatic about every McDonalds accident.   
  
Rude: Me too.   
  
TV: Now let's go under cover at the ShinRa company Ball, and find out what they're REALLY up to. Here's secret footage of what goes on in the bathrooms: (Shows Tseng, Rude, and Sephy joking with the "citizens of Midgar")   
  
Reno: What the hell?   
  
Tseng: Hey, I look good!   
  
Rude: .........   
  
Elena: WHAT THE HELL YOU GUYS?!?!?!? RUFUS IS GOING TO KILL ALL OF US!!   
  
Reno: Shh, listen.   
  
TV: Is ShinRa really what it seems? Or is it all a trap to mess with our heads? Coming up, is Rufus Shinra gay? More footage of what seems like he could be. We'll be back after this.   
  
Rude: Shit.   
  
Tseng: Rufus? Gay? What the hell?   
  
TV: And we're back to another episode of truth....footage of the facts....and it's only on Hard Copy. Now, the question burning the minds of many, is Rufus Shinra gay? Here we have more footage of the ball, and watch what our president is saying to his male date. (TV shows Rufus screaming at someone.. err the reporter) "FINE, LEAVE!!! I NEVER GAVE A DAMN ABOUT YOU ANYWAY!!!!" There you have it, see you next time!   
  
Reno: Rufus is gay?!?!?   
  
Tseng: (Sweat drop)   
  
Fin


End file.
